Idealized image
Had she vanished, like smoke? Or, on that early afternoon, had I seen not a real person but a vision of seme kind? Perhaps I had idealized her in my mind at the instant that we passed each other, to the point where even if l actually saw her again I wouldn’t recognize her? (I think the last possibility is the most likely.)
Later, I got to know a few women, and went out with them. And every time I met a new woman it felt as though I were unconsciously longing to relive that dazzling moment I’d experienced in a dim school hallway back in the fall of 1964. That silent, insistent thrill in my heart, the breathless feeling in my chest, the bell ringing gently in my ears.
Sometimes I was able to recapture this feeling, at other times not. (Unfortunately, the bell didn’t ring enough.) And other times I managed to grab hold of it, only to let zúp through my fingers. In any event, the emotions that surged when this happened came to serve as a kind of page I used to measure the intensity of my yearning When I couldn’t get that sensation in the real world, I would quietly let my memory of those feelings awaken inside me. In this way, memory became one of my most ulsed emotional tools, a means of survival, even. Like a vam kitten, softly curled inside an oversized coat pocket, fut asleep
lack of confidence
To avoid any misunderstanding, I’d like to preface this by saying that I’m not good-looking and was never a star memorable athlete, and my grades in school were less than stellar. My singing left something to be desired, too, and I didn’t have a way with words. When I was in school, and in the years after that, I never once had girls flocking around me. That’s one of the few things I can say with certainty in this uncer- tain life. Still, there always seemed to be a girl around who was, for whatever reason, attracted to me. I have no clue why, but I was able to enjoy some pleasant, intimate times with those girls. I got to be good friends with some of them, and occasionally took it to the next level. The girl I’m talk- ing about here was one of these - the first girl I had a really close relationship with.